AJ was oblivious to time, space, and even temperature as he stood still on the terrace. The tortured look in Dawn's eyes as she slapped him haunted his thoughts and had rooted his feet to the floor. He hated knowing that he was the cause of the pain which shone from her eyes. Eyes which were usually filled with mischief, happiness and laughter were now filled with confusion. He wished he could have found the words to help her...no...help them. But, the words refused to come and he had to resort to drastic measures with an incredible result. What he had believed and longed for with all of his heart had been proven to him with one touch. Her response to his kiss, the way she opened herself to him, told him what her mind refused to acknowledge. Love.
Absently, he shook his head at the thought of the four-letter word. He couldn't tell himself that what she felt for him was love. He'd wait for her to admit it. He needed for her to say the words. But would she, he wondered. No, she wouldn't, a sad voice answered, because of Nikolas. Her misguided loyalty to Nikolas Cassadine, who obviously didn't appreciate her as he should have, prevented her from being true to herself. He loved that she was loyal, but AJ hated that it was directed to Nikolas instead of him. Oh, how he hated it.
"Excuse me, sir?"
AJ turned from staring sightlessly at the star-littered sky to acknowledge the quiet male voice behind him. A young waiter looked at him with an expectant look on his face. "Yes?" AJ asked.
"Free Spirit is about to begin in case you're interested..." the young main faltered with the words.
"I am. Thanks," AJ said with a small smile. He waited until the waiter left him before he made any move to rejoin the party.
The warm air jolted him as he closed the glass doors behind him. As he stood on the landing, his eyes scanned the crowd. He saw friends and family, enjoying themselves as they welcomed the New Year in together. His eyes continued to moved among the partygoers, seeking someone in particular. He didn't lie to himself. His eyes were in search of Dawn. In his need to gaze upon her again, the thought that she might be with Nikolas never crossed his mind. But, it should have.
A sharp intake of air and a tight jaw were the only telltale signs that AJ allowed himself to indulge in. He should have prepared himself, he silently scolded, but in all honesty, he knew that nothing could have prepared him for seeing them in each others' arms. A glutton for self-punishment, he watched as Nikolas' hands moved up and down her arms and roamed her bare back and with each touch, one thought screamed at him. "It should have been me!"
"AJ, is something wrong?" Monica asked, softly, placing a hand over his tightly clenched fist.
AJ released the breath he had been holding and with unreadable eyes, looked at his mother. He willed himself to relax and hold it together as he smiled at her. "No, Mom. Everything's fine. Are you ready for Em's debut?"
"As ready as I'll ever be. Are you sure you're okay?"
"I'm sure," he nodded. As okay as I can be after driving the woman I love back into the arms of another man, he silently added.
The flickering of the lights signaled the beginning of the live performance. Dawn looked around her and Nikolas and saw that some of the people were moving away from the dance floor to take a seat. As she moved away from Nikolas' arms, he asked, "Are you warm now?"
"Yeah," she said with a faint smile. She placed her hand in his and asked, "Would you like to sit down? I can see that Mama, Stefan, Dara and Ned are at a table. We could join them."
"No, I'm staying here, but if you'd like to go back there..." Nikolas offered with a shrug. He wasn't sure if he wanted her to stay with him or not, but he was sure of one thing. He would not move from that spot. He told Emily he'd be there and he had no intentions of disappointing either her or him.
Dawn only partially heard Nikolas' offer as her eyes continued to scan the crowd. She told herself that she just wanted to get a feel for who was there, but a tiny voice called her a liar. Her eyes were on a mission and it was accomplished as her eyes found AJ. He sat with his family at a table which was too close to her family's for her peace of mind. From where she stood, she knew that AJ was looking at her, but they were too far apart for her to read his expression of which she was glad. She didn't want to be reminded of the intimate moment she shared with him when she should have been with Nikolas.
"Dawn?" Nikolas prompted. "Are you going back there?"
Turning away from AJ and her thoughts of him, she looked at Nikolas as she said, "No, I'm staying right here with you."
"Okay," Nikolas said with a smile. When a group of people moved to stand close beside them, he instinctively placed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her closer to him.
Emily gave herself a pep talk as she followed her bandmates onto the darkened stage. She could do this, she reminded herself. She was ready. *They* were ready. She smoothed her hands over the short, black sequined dress she wore, knowing that she created a lovely vision. Touching the costume gave her a small jolt of confidence as she waited for the intro of their first song to begin. The song choice had been hers and as the lights shone on her and she began to sing, she had never felt the lyrics more strongly than she did at that moment.
"*Have you ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, Have you ever..."
Emily's eyes scanned the crowd for her family. She knew where their table was and although she couldn't see their faces, she could feel their love, and she could feel their pride, even her grandfather's. Gaining confidence as the words consumed her, her eyes began to roam again, searching for the man she had silently dedicated the song to. Her eyes didn't have to roam for long as his eyes drew her eyes to his. Her heart constricted as she saw that he wasn't alone and that his arms were around another, but she didn't falter as she continued to sing the haunting words.
"Have you ever been in love
Been in love so bad
You'd do anything to make them understand
Have you ever had someone steal your heart away
You'd give anything to make them feel the same
Have you ever searched for words to get you in their heart
But you don't know what to say
And you don't know where to start
Have ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, Have you ever..."
Yeah, Em, I have, AJ thought as his younger sister's voice went straight to his heart. Not knowing what to say and where to start and having endless sleepless nights, describe me to a tee, he thought as he rested his eyes on the woman with words told him he couldn't have her heart while everything else about her screamed that he already did.
"Have you ever found the one
You've dreamed of all your life
You'd do anything to look into their eyes
Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to
Only to find that one won't give their heart to you
Have you ever closed your eyes and
Dreamed that they were there
And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care
Have ever loved somebody so much
It makes you cry
Have you ever needed something so bad
You can't sleep at night
Have ever tried to find the words
But they don't come out right
Have you ever, Have you ever..."
The lyrics and the haunting quality of Emily's voice touched both Nikolas and Dawn deeply. Used to leaning on each other for support, they held each other closer as their hearts and minds thought of others.
"What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby
What do I gotta say to get your heart
To make you understand how I need you next to me
Gotta get you in my world
'Coz baby I can't sleep"
[*AUTHOR'S NOTE: "Have You Ever" can be found on Brandy's latest CD Never Say Never]