The Ballad of John McCowpoke

Well I'm a mighty cowpoke
McCowpoke is my name
I bedded a sweet li'l heifer
But all I feel is shame

I tried to keep her safe
But my hero game is lame
And I am so screwed up
My life will never be the same

I met a little heifer
And made that gal a mark
For a sting operation
But I kept her in the dark

But when the game unfolded
Her hubby ended up dead
And ever since then I've protected her
But it still eff'ed with my head

I tried to make her happy
But maybe I am cursed
She was grabbed by two killers
Each time her ig'nance made it worse

The first time she was gullible
The second time just dumb
And now I'm pretending to be her man
Please! Pass the jug of rum!!

I saved her from the MBK
The first time, then I knew
I could only be her friend
But she wanted booty too

I tried to share my magic stick
But she said it wasn't right
She jumped into the arms of Paul
But still had me in her sights

Then she tried to steal some paintings
But I stopped that in a rush
In thanks she tossed her boobs at me
I'm not sure, but is that a crush?

Then later she was suspect
For murdering the dope
I dug a grave bed and got hit in the head
So you see I've BEEN a joke

Then later her dead husband
Returned to be her loved one
But he was an imposter,
So the reunion soon was done

But wait...he IS the husband
But he wants me to take his gal?
I didn't even like the bi-yatch
And now I'm his freakin' pal?

"Oh please, man, keep my secret
It won't cost you a thing
You get to get my bridey-bride
And protect her under your wing"

But I don't want your bridey
I've interests of my own
And if I take even a fry from the girl
She won't leave me alone!!

Well, I still tried to protect her
And tried to be a friend
Somebody tried to fry her ass
But her dumb life would not end

Why do the serial killer dudes
All want to mess with me?
I'm messed up enough in my own head
Why won't the let me be?

So doofus, my new lady,
Thought it would be real smart
To almost get her hiney killed
As the secret to my heart

She did it once and then again
But the worst damn thing of all
Is it let the creeps get my very heart
That's the beginning of my latest fall

The first time she was nearly speared
In her big ol' oversized head
The second time was just a trick
I was sure her butt was dead

I dove into the Llantano river
Just jumped in like a fool
The fans called me McDiver
And McDolphin, it was cruel

But then I learned it was a joke
I rushed back just in time
To learn the one who had my heart
Was the next target in line

I found them both, my Diva fought
But this other chick succumbed
I saved her first, then saved my heart
But they took away madame dumb

It just fed my obsession
I'd promised to keep her safe, true
I dug in dirt with a blistered hand
You'd do the same, wouldn't you?

I couldn't find her, just gave up
Then, a miracle surprised
My angel gave me all the clues
Else the kid prob'ly would have died

So now my guilt is just complete
I see the truth for me
I'm ever to be miserable
And never, ever to be happy

I made a bargain with myself
Since I reside in hell
Why bother Satan with small ish?
He's busy these days, can't you tell?

I said I'd sacrifice my life
To make the heffa glad
And if the world all hate me
Well that's TOO DAMN BAD!

For I'm a mighty cowpoke
McCowpoke is my name
I bedded a sweet li'l heifer
But all I feel is shame

I tried to keep her safe
But my hero game is lame
And I am so screwed up
My life will never be the same

-(c) insight spinner 2005

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