"Letting Go" by JohnandVan

Chapter 7

Reflections: John

Yeah, now what am I going to do about the fact that the woman I adore has lied to me? Oh, she would say it was not really a lie. Lawyers do that, but I know better. The more I think about her not telling me about our baby, the madder I am. Damn, she was wrong.

Reflections: Evangeline

Maybe Nora was right. Do I really have a right to keep something so important to both John and me from him? What am I really afraid of? John couldnít make me do anything I didnít want to do. After all, this is my baby and my body. I have a perfect right to make these decisions. So what if Nora thought I was wrong? I know John and I know me. He would feel trapped. I donít want him like that. I want him to want me for me. But what if I am wrong?

Evangelineís House: Evening

"Hello," she said, answering the ringing phone.

"Evangeline, itís me John. We on for tonight still?" he asked.

"Yes, dinner is almost ready," she said.

"Good see you about seven, is that good?" he asked.

"Yes, everything should be ready then. See you then," she said

He said "Bye" and both hung up.

After he hung up, he silently twirled the pen between his fingers thinking, how to play this. Then he decided, enough of the games.

It was around seven, Evangeline had just finished checking on the pot roast when the doorbell rang.

Evangeline walked to the door and checked to see if it was John. Sure enough it was, and she opened the door and let the cold right on in.

"Hey," she said reaching to give him a kiss on the cheek. Her lips felt the cold of his face as he had been outside for a few minutes trying to figure out how not to explode.

"Hey yourself," he said reaching to pull her in close, smelling her Flowers in Springtime, on this cold fall night.

"You want a drink?" she asked, "Iíve got a beer on ice for you."

"Yeah, that would be perfect, and how is dinner coming?"

"I think you will like it this time. I actually cooked it. It wonít still be raw when we cut it this time," she laughingly said as she walked to the kitchen to get his cold beer.

"Oh, you read the directions this time, you always manage to become a perfectionist with any new thing you do. Do you think motherhood will be the same?"

Just then he heard his cold beer drop. Pass completed.

"Van, you okay?" he asked walking into the kitchen to see if he could help.

"Fine, John. What are you talking about? Motherhood?

"You know, the little fact about you being pregnant. How long Evangeline? How long?"

"How long what?" she asked still not moving, staring at him like a deer caught in headlights, knowing the car was about to hit but afraid to move.

"How long have you known you were pregnant? How long were you going to keep it from me? Is that clear enough?" he asked without raising his voice. She, however, could see the intensity in his eyes and was not fooled for a minute about how this man was feeling.

"John, let me get this up and weíll talk," she said.

"No, Iíll get it up. You go in the living room. Iíll be there as soon as I get this mess up. Understood?" he said firmly.

"Okay," she said.

Girl, youíve got to come up with something good. Think, he was not in control here, well not really.

John entered the living room quietly, sat right next to her, and said, "Well, what do you have to say? And make it the truth."

"John look I donít owe you any explanations, so Iím pregnant, that doesnít mean that it is yours," she stated simply.

"Donít even try to go there, Evangeline. The baby is mine and that is not the issue. The issue is you kept it from me and played me for weeks. I want to know why and I want to know now," he said in a firm voice.

"John, I never played you," she said, moving slightly back from him on the couch, "I just didnít think you should know."

"What gives you the right to decide that? When the baby is ours?" he asked getting up from the couch and moving away to the fireplace and staring in.

"I knew we were not in a committed relationship. I didnít want you to feel trapped," she said.

"How do you know that I would have felt that way? You getting pregnant was as much my responsibility as yours. We are both adults. Even I know that when two people are together as much as we were, something like this could happen," he said.

"Yes, but it wasnít supposed too. I knew that you were just beginning to open up. And to have you thrust into the responsibility of me and the baby--I just didnít think you would want that."

"Letís be real. Could the idea of me finding out about the baby force you to finally commit and not keep sitting on the sidelines waiting for me to?"

"Hey, what are you saying?" she asked, walking toward him and turning him around. Now they were both in front of the fireplace, looking at each other directly. Evangeline had her back up and John wore his poker face, not giving anything away.

"Iím saying you knew how I felt about you. Donít deny it. I was completely open and honest. You know that you are everything to me. Yet, you chose to shut me out. So yeah, it is about you. This is one time Iím not letting you call the shots, or deal the hand. This time you need to step up and admit itís you thatís afraid of what we have. Admit that your fear was going to let you walk away from us and would have allowed you to keep our child from me. So yes, Iím calling you on this. You thought everything out, what you didnít count on was me finding out so soon."

"John, I would have told you. I was even thinking about doing it tonight," she said.

"Thinking and doing are two different things. With any luck, our child would have been graduating from high school by the time you were ready to tell me," he said.

"John, you are not being fair. We are not a couple. We were just two people trying to become something."

"Maybe, you were trying to become something. I was moving forward every step of the way to a commitment with you and only you," he said.

"John, thatís not fair. When I broke things off and you convinced me to give us a chance I did," she said.

"Yeah, on your terms, without telling me the field had changed. Without telling me that I was about to become a father. How do you think that makes me feel? Do you even give a damn?" he asked.

"Youíre wrong. You know how I feel about you. You know, maybe I was being protective of my heart. Can you blame me? You have shut off your feelings for five years, now you finally start to feel again, and I find out Iím pregnant. What was I supposed to do?" she asked.

"Simple. Tell the truth and let us both deal with the pregnancy together. Is that simple enough for you?" He asked.

"John, Iím tired. Canít we just let this go, eat our dinner and talk about this later?" she asked.

"No, we will settle this now. I cut the oven off while I was in there. Food is the last thing on my mind. But you need to eat, so why donít I fix you a plate?"

"Please, and John I promise weíll talk later but John," she suddenly got dizzy, and reached for him. He pulled her toward him picking her up and carrying her to the couch.

"Van, Van, what is it?" He asked frantically.

"John, Iím just a little dizzy. I feel really stupid. I havenít eaten since breakfast.

John placed a blanket around her, and said, "Sit still, while I go get you something and I donít want you to move until I come back."

While he was in the kitchen, she had time to think. How did she ever think she could keep her pregnancy from him? Had she really wanted to? What had she been thinking? Did she really want their child to not be a part of both their lives? How could she possibly think she hadnít wanted him in both their lives?

John returned with a plate of roast beef, carrots and potatoes, on a tray. Looking at him, she could see that he was still not happy with her. Placing the tray in her lap, he took a seat in the lounge chair she had bought last week, just for him. He needed to rest and think sometimes when he was on a case, and he loved sitting quietly at times just to think his cases through. She always seemed to be doing things or thinking of things involving him. None of that mattered now that he knew she was pregnant. All she could do now was wait, and find out what he was thinking about all of this. So she quietly ate. When she finished, he took her tray without speaking and walked back into the kitchen. She could hear him washing the dishes, and the silence was deafening except for the water running as he cleaned up.

John walked back in carrying a glass of milk, he gave it to her without saying a word, and after she finished, he took the glass. He carried it back into the kitchen. When he returned, he just stared at her for a few moments.

"How are you feeling now?

"Better. I know I should have eaten. I donít know what I was thinking."

"You havenít been doing much of that lately."

"Okay, I see where this is going."

"Good, but Iím not going to get into this tonight. Youíre tired and the most important thing to me right now is you and our baby. You need to get some rest, and so do I. Weíll talk about us later, okay?"

"John, please try to understand."

"Not now, Evangeline. You are going to get some rest and weíll talk later. No arguments, itís not good for our child."

"Okay, but youíll come by for breakfast?"

"Only if you promise to rest, and I mean rest. Iíll bring some breakfast."

"Just donít bring any eggs, bagels, no butter, and no coffee; I canít even bear to smell it."

"Gotcha! Iíll help you settle upstairs and then Iím gone."

He picked her up and took her upstairs, placing her carefully on the bed. His hand lingered a little as he pulled his arm from around her waist. Looking down at her as she reclined against the pillows he couldnít help but remember that this was the woman he wanted to be with yesterday, today and tomorrow. Yet he couldnít forget that she was also the woman who would have walked away, but for the truth and him finding it out just in time. Yes, he had a lot to think about tonight. Damn, this woman was giving him a headache and heartache, but he wouldnít have it any other way, because she was worth it. That he couldnít deny to himself or his heart.

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