Coming Home

By BillieK26

"If you need time, I’ll give it to you, but I won’t see you while you figure it out. I understand that you’ve had a shock with Cristian coming back and I don’t want to be around to confuse you more," Evangeline said in response to John’s comment that he did have feelings for Natalie and wasn’t sure what they were.

"Evangeline, I don’t want to stop seeing you. I just need to figure out what’s going on with me," he said. He hadn’t expected her to back off while he figured everything out, but he could tell by the look on her face that she was not going to change her mind.

"I know that and that’s why I’m giving you some time, but John I won’t be second. I will not be your backup plan. If you want me, it’s got to be me you want and not because you can’t have Natalie," she said, kissed him on the cheek and left him in the diner thinking.

After sitting in the booth for a while, he’d gone back to the station and put in a leave slip for the rest of the week.

----------

After a couple of days, John was no closer to figuring out how he felt. He wondered what Evangeline was doing. He’d found himself thinking of her more and more when she wasn’t with him. Since he couldn’t call her, he decided to call Michael. John knew that Michael was still dealing with the fact that he’d suggested that he and Marcie slow down. Maybe they could commiserate with each other.

The two brothers met at Rodi’s and over fast food and beer, Michael shared his disappointment over where he and Marcie were and John told Michael how he really felt. Michael was glad that his brother trusted him enough to tell him what was going on with Natalie and Evangeline. Michael felt like they actually bonded and were more than brothers, they were friends.

"What do you want John?

"Michael, I want Natalie happy. I’m glad that her husband is alive and that they can be happy together."

"What do you want for you, John?"

"I guess I want to be happy too."

"Did Natalie make you happy?"

"No, she didn’t."

"Does Evangeline?"

"She makes me feel a lot of things Michael. I don’t know. She’s so different from any other woman I’ve ever known. She keeps me on my toes. She pushes me. She listens to me. She supports me in my job. She understands how important it is to me. She’s amazing. I mean she’s reading a book to learn football so that when we go to another game she’ll understand the plays? She’s so independent and still so vulnerable. I’m happy when I’m with her," he said with a bemused look on his face. He didn’t even notice the grin on his brother’s face.

"I’d say that you aren’t confused, just an idiot."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You already know how you feel, but you’re afraid to admit it for fear of losing it."

"What? When did you become Dr. Phil?"

Michael laughed and shook his head, "I don’t have to be Dr. Phil to read the look on your face when you were just talking about Evangeline. You’re really in love with her. I don’t know why you haven’t seen it."

"I don’t know what you’re talking about," he said and shook his head.

"Big John McBain has fallen in love, maybe for the first time in his life, because I don’t remember you even talking about Caitlin like this."

"I did love Caitlin."

"I know you loved her and I don’t discount your relationship with her. I was there. I know how hard it was for you to get over her death, but I think you might have unconsciously remembered things a little differently than they really were. You never had the look in your eyes when you were with Caitlin that I just saw. Maybe you’re scared you’ll lose Evangeline if you finally admit to yourself and to her how you feel. I don’t know."

John just stared at Michael thoughtfully, before looking away and saying, "Maybe I just think she deserves better."

"Well, after having met her she probably does," he said smiling at the look his brother flashed him, "Okay, I’m joking, but regardless of what you or I think, don’t you think she should be allowed to decide what she wants?"

"But what if she doesn’t want me after all the drama I’ve introduced lately?" he asked quietly.

Michael was surprised by the question, because his brother hardly ever expressed any insecurity, "Well, that’s a possibility, but what about the alternative? I personally think that she loves you too. You can see it in her eyes when she talks about you."

"When has she talked to you about me?"

"Wouldn’t you like to know?"

"Yes, I would."

"Well, you’ll have to ask her. I’m in her confidence and I’m not risking it."

"What kind of brother are you?"

"One who loves you and wants you to be happy. You do deserve that."

"Thanks."

"So, do you think the Eagles are going all the way?" Michael asked changing the subject.

----------

After talking to Michael, John went back to his room and had a chance to put his past and present relationships into perspective. Because he had spent most of his life taking care of everyone around him, he had never taken the time to fully realize what he wanted out of life.

Caitlin had been the first woman he’d ever allowed himself to really care about. She had been needy and now he knew that that was his modus operandi. When his father died, he’d taken care of his mother, his brother and everything else. He was a protector by nature and somehow, he’d forgotten that he was also a man with needs and wants of his own. He’d taken care of Caitlin, just as she’d wanted him too. Did he love her? Absolutely, but now he questioned whether he’d ever really been in love with her. She’d accepted him as he was and never truly made any demands on him. He had wanted her happy and for some reason he did that for her. She had been easy.

Natalie had been the first woman since Caitlin that he’d let himself have feeling for, but that was because he felt guilty. He related to her loss and knew how hard it was to live without someone that you loved. He had believed that she’d lost her husband because of something that he’d gotten them involved with. Never mind that neither the husband nor the wife followed the instructions given by the FBI agent. He had seen Caitlin in her. Just as he felt responsible for Caitlin’s death, he felt responsible for Natalie’s life.

Now, Cristian was back and John was relieved. While Cris was still angry at him for what he believed John had done to him, John was glad that he’d gotten him involved with Flynn. If he hadn’t Cris would have been killed for sure, because had Tico known that Cris was still alive he would have kept making attempts on his life. He was glad that Natalie had her husband back and he hoped that they would be happy together.

Then there was Evangeline, the woman who was unlike anyone he’d ever known. She was so fixed on being the best that she lost sight of the fact that she was human. She forgot sometimes that she needed people and it was difficult for her to admit that she couldn’t handle everything by herself. She was independent and stubborn and so absolutely supportive. The fact that she believed in him was surprisingly reassuring.

The talk with Michael had obviously been good for him, because he had his first night of restful sleep since Evangeline had walked away from him. The next morning, he decided to go for a drive. Although it was cold, it was a beautiful day. He’d ended up at Lincoln Financial Field, the stadium where the Philadelphia Eagles played football. Once there, he decided to buy tickets for the Eagles game against the Cowboys. The game was the week before Christmas and maybe that could be part of his gift to Evangeline.

He hoped he could convince Evangeline to go with him. She could put her new found knowledge of the game to the test. She was determined to learn as much as possible about the game without any help from anyone, including him and he was impressed. How could he have not realized how important she was to him? I am an idiot. What was I thinking? I care for Natalie, but I love Evangeline. With that realization, he’d headed back to Llanview.

When he’d gotten there, he’d stopped by her office, but she wasn’t in. Her assistant, Adrian, had informed him that Evangeline had taken a few days off, as well. She’d only told him that she needed a couple of days and she wouldn’t be taking any calls. His first instinct was to call her, but her cell phone was turned off and the voicemail came on at her house. His next try was Nora. Surely she would know what was going on with Evangeline.

"Hey, John. How are you? What’s up?" Nora responded to his greeting.

"Nora, I’m fine. I’m looking for Evangeline. I need to talk to her."

"Well, she, uh…"

"Nora, I really need to talk to her. I need to clear some things up."

"She’s staying at the palace for a couple of days. She decided to treat herself and get a much needed break from work."

"Thanks, Nora."

"John…," she called as she realized he was about to hang up the phone.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"It's almost Christmas. This is not the time for breaking hearts. Don’t hurt her or you’ll answer to me."

"Nora, I plan on it being a wonderful Christmas for both of us. I’ll take good care of her," he said and ended the call.

When he got to the Palace, he talked to the manager and had to flash his badge to get the information he needed. As he made his way to the room, he ran through what he planned to say to her. He knocked on the door and waited. She opened the door without checking who was there.

"You know that’s dangerous. Don’t ever open the door with out checking," he said looking his fill. He had missed her. More than he realized.

Upon hearing his voice, she glanced up, "John, what are you doing here? How did you find me?"

"I’m a cop. It’s sort of what I do."

"Well, what can I do for you Lieutenant?" she said in her most professional voice, not inviting him into the room.

"You know I had this played out in my head," he said looking at her. She had a confused look on her face but didn’t make a comment, as he continued, "I was going to tell you that," he swallowed, "I want you and it doesn’t have anything to do with anyone else. That you make me happy, but it all comes down to the fact that I love you."

She looked at him with incredulity in her eyes. He knew that she was having a hard time believing what he’d just told her. He couldn’t believe himself that he’d admitted it, but now he recognized that he would have to convince her.

"I know that I was confused, but I’m not anymore. You are the person I want."

"What about Natalie?" she asked with some skepticism.

"I don’t want Natalie. I never really have. I related to what she was going through and I got confused. I care about her the way I care about Shannon. I would do whatever I could to see that she doesn’t get hurt and I do want her happy, but she doesn’t make me happy. Only you do that. I love you."

"What made you realize that you love me all of a sudden?"

"Football."

"Football?"

"Today, I found myself driving to Philadelphia and decided to buy tickets to the Eagles-Cowboys’ Game this weekend, so that I could talk you into going with me and you could test your new knowledge of the game. I thought that could be part of your Christmas present. As I was buying those tickets, it hit me that you were all I’ve ever wanted and have been afraid I could never have. You are the woman I want. You said if there was a chance, you’d stick with me forever. If you meant that, then you have to believe what I’m telling you right now. Before, I asked you not to give up on me. I told you that we’re worth fighting for. Those words still apply. I know that my inability to express what I feel has been frustrating for you, but what I feel for you is more than I ever thought I could feel."

"I don’t know what to say," she said softening to him.

"Michael said I needed to take a note in being selfish and not try to take care of everybody else all the time. Well, I’m doing that now," he said and kissed her with all the pent up emotion that he was feeling. He felt her relax into him and wrapped his arms around her, holding her to him. When he pulled away, he rubbed his nose to hers and sighed, "I feel like I’ve finally come home. All my life I’ve been floating with no place for myself except in my work and now I’m here with you. What a wonderful Christmas this is gonna be. How did I get to be so lucky?"

"I don’t know. Maybe you just have angels watching over you," she said with a smile, pulled him into the room and leaned in to kiss him once more.